travis' brain dump

and i’m sitting here wanting to freeze time in a perfect moment …

I have things to do at work, but i don’t want to do them. Perhaps it’s the pounding in my head or the itch of tired eyes … or the feeling of impending doom, when it’s not even Friday the 13th (and that’s in two weeks) … it’s been one of those mornings already. It’s really not that bad, I’m sort of bumping into things today – my mind is elsewhere in several directions. While going boarding yesterday was absolutely awesome (aside from getting my ankle twisted *shrug*) I feel like I’m paying for those hours over and over again. Couldn’t sleep all that well last night, partially due to my mind, partially due to falling asleep too early last night because I was so wiped out and partially due to some back pain which presented itself to me around 1 this morning… then, I wake up with a headache after I did finally go to sleep. My ankle hurts a little more today (no surprise), my back hurts and wouldn’t you know it? Icing to the cake, I’ve got an exhaust leak on my car. While an easy fix, I ask myself… why today? I didn’t want to come into work this morning – I wanted to call in, but I needed to be here in the morning at least… I just hope today doesn’t hand me any more fun. I’ve had enough already. I’m not really down and depressed about it, just more agitated over it.

Possible positives for today if nothing else goes wrong? We’re going to go pick up the kitty today, I will see Sharon and Mike, and quite possibly I will get to fix my exhaust leak. Maybe I’ll feel better in a couple of hours, I’m sure I will -Âbut right now… I stare, into a monitor that asks me to do something with it and wonder, when can I run for the door? Sooner than later, what a wonderful thought.

Yes, for absolutely no reason what-so-ever I was staring at the floor…  However momentary, it made me think to myself, “What the heck are you doing?” It’s morning procrastination at it’s best! I’ve decided I’m going to redo one of the pages interfaced with the billing system. It just doesn’t set well with me. Nothing major, but none the less it was worth of procrastinating for at least a few minutes… so I stared at the floor, figured that was a complete waste of time and decided to do something slightly more productive… write a blog. 😀

So, the page should occupy at least an hour of my time… then there is lunch, well sort of. Going for a walk and eating lunch afterwards – puts me at … hmm 13:00. Project meeting at 13:00 should last about 30 minutes and that leaves me with … almost 2 hours before I leave work. Whatever shall I do? Perhaps I can find an episode of something interesting to watch on the internet. Either way, I’m out at 15:30…

Ah, yes, leaving work early today to run some errands and hopefully we go see the kitten. Oh yeah, did I mention there is a kitten addition coming to the house? Yeah… So I caved in and decided to get an animal… hehe So when the choice came down to did I want a dog around or a cat, well you know what won. I may get a dog one day, when I don’t have so many things going on and can handle dealing with all that comes with it. So, back to the kitten.

Take a look.

Isn’t she the cutest? I was thinking of getting the one on the left, but since those are so common and the snow leopard looking ones are not, getting the white one was the best choice. However, I do ponder how long it will be before I cave and get another one thats like the one on the left. Anyway… going to see her today and tomorrow she get’s spayed. Then its down to two or three days before she gets picked up and comes home. 🙂 Now the hard part… naming. I’ll post up about that later as that’s an ordeal in and of itself, I really dislike naming things. lol

So yeah, that’s about as far as I’ve made it through planning my day. Tomorrow looks pretty promising though. The mountains are getting a nice dose of snow today so I’m taking off for up there to get some boarding in tomorrow. I’ve really been slacking on going up and I’m running out of season. Hopefully I can get in about 3-5 more trips up before its over with. Realistically it will probably be two. lol Oh well. At least I got up a fair amount this season, mostly in Nov, Dec and January. If I remember I’ll take my camera up and see if I can get some nice spring shots, but I think its going to be snowing tomorrow as well so we’ll have to see.

Anyway, I should get this page done.

slow, calm, boring … that describes my monday.

the most exciting thing was the laugh I just gave myself a few minutes ago when I thought to myself what an HR nightmare this place could be if it weren’t for the line of work we’re in and the necessity for certain things to be said. In 95% of corporate america, throwing out the word ‘ porn ‘ in earshot of anyone within the company would land you in the middle of  some sort of sensitivity training, but not here… lol

I just read that to Rick and Ben (the two who used those terms loud enough I could hear them in my office) and they laughed … way to go guys, you’ve earned a place in my blog.

This weekend was pretty awesome.

Friday was sort of boring, but I got stuff done. I cleaned up the house and did some laundry, got the kegurator back online and rockin and helped Andy get through delerious outbursts of words that made no sense while he waited for Ashleigh to get into town from Arkansas… poor guy was running on fumes after being up for a couple days, but he was entertaining. hehe

Saturday… finished up what I started Friday. I was somewhat pleased with the outcome around my house… oooh… later we went to go see 300 with Andy and Ashleigh – interesting movie. We also ate Tuk Tuk (thai food) while watching it. I love how movie theatres can’t keep you from bringing your own stuff in now. That was the best movie food ever and yes Sharon, you converted me to another flavor of dish that I otherwise might not have tried. LOL – you’re up to a few now… I’m just bummed poor Sharon’s shoulder was killing her most of the movie. Nothing worse than pulsing pain while trying to focus on a movie. 🙁

Sunday went awesome – I had to fix some things on the car and such … nothing too major thankfully. We grilled, hung out, listened to blues – good beginner to the spring/summer coming. I forgot how much I missed grilling out and hanging out with everyone. The food turned out well. The grilled salmon fought with us but it was awesome, great flavor from a recipie Sharon came up with off the top of her head. As for the fight with the salmon, I’ve never grilled it without the skin on one side… blast that grill! 🙂 At least we didn’t lose much.

All in all I’d have to say the weekend more than made up for any possible terrible week I was having. Heck, even my phone broke on Thursday and I was cool with it… just hope it doesnt happen again. I’ll probably just throw the dang thing against a wall. 😀 I really enjoyed the time I got to spend with my friends.

Oooh… some work actually just appeared – yay! i’m occupied for five minutes. lol

later

So during a conversation with a friend and unloading my current pile of issues, we ended up discussing the recent reappearance of “It’s Been Awhile” to my blog site. The conversation shifted towards the meaning of the song to me and why it’s a song of preference for me when I get duped into singing karaoke or why when I’m together with my friends and we decide to sing, it’s ALWAYS in the playlist. Evidently, I seem to sing it with a lot of feeling behind it in those settings according to her observation. Well, I felt comfortable in doing so and at her suggestion I posted it up for some others to see as well. If you want to comment, you know how to.  

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One of the things I’ve loved about this song and makes it so beaufitul to me was it was originally intended by the artist to be general and to apply to almost anyone in any situation that you can look at it and say it’s been awhile… 

“It’s just kind of an introspective song about realizing that it’s been awhile since a lot of things. It’s been awhile since I could hold my head up high, it’s been awhile since I said I was sorry, it’s been awhile since I could say that I wasn’t addicted, it’s been awhile since I could say I love myself. It’s kind of an acknowledgement that it’s been awhile.” – Aaron Lewis, Staind

In other words this song could mean anything to anybody in almost any situation. It’s just been a while… for whatever. It’s part of the theme of realization and breaking the cycle… Many songs on the album “Break the Cycle” address issues that can go with that theme. Many of the songs on the album spoke to me when I first heard them right after I moved to Colorado. Staind really had something with this album and even Aaron’s reasons behind some of the songs were right along with what I had thought. One of the few times I’ve actually understood what and where an artist was coming from.

Some more of his comments on some other songs that I can relate to:

Suffer – “Wake up and look around you and see what the f*** is going on. The more you see, the more you do, the television’s feeding you with what you want to hear, anger and fear, because we suffer. One of the many cycles in life that just continue going around in cycles unless they’re broken.” – Aaron Lewis

Take It – “‘Take It’ is like the final song on the record. The chorus to ‘Take It’ is ‘everything that I can say to you won’t help you, everything you need is right in front of you, just take it’. It’s kind of like my last attempt to say that I’m no different than you. Everything is right there in front of you and you just have to take it.” – Aaron Lewis 

I first heard “It’s Been Awhile” on the radio not too long after I got here to Colorado and was the first song from this album I heard. I heard a few various other tracks along the way until it was released on May 22, 2001. I went out that morning and bought it. When I heard the rest of the music it really completed what I had already heard. I played this album over and over in my car almost constantly.

At this particular point, I was trying to change my life for the better. I was trying to leave behind the habits and the  mental state I was in when I was living in Seattle as well as some bad aspects of a relationship which was coinciding with the entire events that led up to my decision to start over. I had started realizing who I could be and who I was. I was on a downward spiral towards an end that if I continued to pursue would eventually end tragically. I realized I needed to change with the situation that presented itself and sieze the opportunity rather than subject myself to staying in the same rut I dug for myself. I came here for a new beginning, in essence to break my own cycle.  This is why I was so attached to this album and the song “It’s Been Awhile”. It’s lyrics spoke to me and I saw my life when I sang them. When I sing this song with my “brothers” and other friends – this is what I’m feeling with those words as they leave my lips.

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“And it’s been awhile since I could… Hold my head up high”

There are aspects of my life that I’m not proud of. Things I’ve said or done which I wish I could take back. One day, perhaps I will be able to look back and see it was *all* leading me to a better place.

“And it’s been awhile since I first saw you …” 

It seems part of the cycle. Things in many of my relationships are often grand in the beginning, but due to some people’s lack of ability to look past someones past and decisions made, their opinion of me changes and I’m usually left judged with no ability to defend myself. The innocence of a newly formed relationship is lost, but it’s what I do with it from there that makes the difference. Many of my friends know me differently now from when they first met me. While I came across as one way and still do in some aspects, it’s understanding that there is more to a person that just the surface view. If you care about that person regardless of what lies beneath, then you have found the most valuable thing on this planet.

“And it’s been awhile since I can stand on my own two feet again…”

I finally feel as though I’m making some way for me to better my life and the life of my daughter despite my breakdowns along the way.  I lived life as such a wreck for so long and I had to learn how to stabilize myself for her and in turn become a better daddy for her and man for the someone who I will be with the rest of my life. I still have struggles with this and I slip from time to time, but one day I will be the man I want to be all of the time… Most of the time just doesnt seem to cut it. One day soon I hope.

“And it’s been awhile since I could call you…”

Coming to terms with those I’ve hurt. Most of the time when I do something stupid or end up hurting someone, it’s usually someone I care about. Understand it’s not all about you, it’s about me. My defenses are down, I feel safe with you and in turn, I often find that the less appealing aspects of my left over self tend to be put on display out of some twisted self destructive stab at seeing if people can accept me both good and sometimes bad. I’m not sure how to put it into any other words. At the same time, sometimes I really don’t intend on doing or saying some of the things I do that hurt – sometimes I’m not even aware of it. Still, it makes it hard to face the ones I’ve hurt, which is something I’ve had to come to terms with more often than not lately.

“And everything I can’t remember… As f***ed up as it all may seem… The consequences that are rendered… I stretch myself beyond my means…”

The consequences of my past and mistakes I’ve made I have to look at every day. From a simple sound to a visual representation to someone doubting my sincerity… It’s all a reminder that I’ve done things that have messed up my life in some way or another, even things I don’t even remember doing or were unaware of at the time I said or did them. In order to try to compensate for those things, I often find myself stretching myself too thin when trying to please the ones closest to me and that is another reason those closest to me have seen aspects of me that I am not proud of. It’s a vicious cycle that I hope to one day break. I’m only glad that some people can be understanding about it and see past those things to who I really am and who I’m trying to become. I call those people, my family… 

“And it’s been awhile since I can say… that I wasn’t addicted…”

I lost myself for a period to a life, of all things, I was addicted to. Alcoholism before you’re even 21 is a fun crutch to start off your “adult” life with. But I guess that was the prettier side to things I was addicted to. I was never addicted to drugs per say, despite having a fondness for the green. Perhaps just more interestingly creative things that made me feel connected to my pain somehow and at the same time distracted me from it were more appealing to me. We’ll just leave it at that. 

“And it’s been awhile since I can say I love myself as well…”

A lot of my problems before were a lack of love and respect for myself. Things that happened over the course of my life etched away at my ability to feel worthy of anything. I didn’t have what it took to see the good in me until much later. I still struggle a lot with this today, but I’ve been able to see the good in me and love myself more lately. The crashes I take down though, few they may be, are the worst. One day I hope to conquer this, but I can say I love myself and can in turn love others now. 

“And it’s been awhile since I’ve gone and f***ed things up just like I always do…”

I’ve done well overall I think. I’ve tried to improve my life rather than let it slip, but I still tend to screw the things that matter most to me up more often than not. It’s a self-destructive attribute that I really need to put in check. However, the sad aspect to this is it tends to be where relationships are concerned. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s not – but regardless, until I resolve that issue – this reminds me of how I feel.

“And it’s been awhile but all that sh** seems to disappear when I’m with you… ”

This is for my friends/family – you all help my pains and my worries about the lesser appealing aspects of myself to go away when I’m with you. You help me to realize that I can love myself for who I am becoming and try not to worry about who I was. Regardless of the pain I’m in – a hug, a touch or encouraging words help to pull me from the holes I dig and throw myself into. I can’t express how much you mean to me. Without you, I’d be lost forever. 
 

“And everything I can’t remember … As f***ed up as it all may seem… The consequences that I’ve rendered… I’ve gone and f***ed things up again… again…”

Directly tying into “… it’s been a while since I’ve gone and f***ed things up again,” it’s a reminder that no matter what, I will eventually screw something up. I just depend on that fact that my friends/family will be there to look past my repeated mistakes and support me.  I hate backsliding (one step forward, two steps back) down the hill I’m trying to climb, but at least I know you’ve got my ropes. As I said, without you, I’d be lost forever.

“Why must I feel this way?  Just make this go away… Just one more peaceful day! “

I can’t do it sometimes and yes I feel like giving up on my struggle. I sometimes feel if I had just one more peaceful day to prepare for a foul up, I might be able to face it and make it through. One step at a time, not all at once. When I crash, I always ask myself ‘ why must I feel this way? ‘… In the last six years however, I have had more peaceful days than not and for that, I know I made the right decision in coming here.
 

“And it’s been awhile since I could look at myself straight…”

I’m still ashamed of the things I’ve done and the wrongs I can’t right. One day maybe, I will be able to look myself in the eye and feel that I’ve corrected all that I can possibly correct and what I can’t is out of my control and left up to others to be able to forgive.

“And it’s been awhile since I said I’m sorry… And it’s been a while since I’ve seen the way the candles light your face … And it’s been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste…”

A general gutted feeling for all the screw-ups that have destroyed my personal life over and over again. I’m not always the one at fault, but the few that I was responsible for it left me empty and feeling as though no matter how many apologies I gave, they never truly fixed anything. This is more connected to the general feeling around the end of a relationship that you cared about. That feeling of emptiness that seemed to be present more than not over the course of my life.

“And everything I can’t remember… As f***ed up as it all may seem… to me I know it’s me…  I can not blame this on my father… He did the best he could for me… ”

The mistakes I’ve made in my life, the problems I’ve created for myself are mine. They are no one elses. Those who raised me and my friends alike didn’t force me to make the decisions that created problems for me, I did, regardless of their influence. I still chose the life I lived when I left home and made my own decisions once I was out on my own. For me this goes along with the whole philosophy of believing that only you can save yourself in the end. I can have all the resources around me that I could ever ask for but if I don’t make the decision to help myself and accept help where I can get it, I will fail. PERIOD. I can’t blame anyone else but myself if I do. Another song on the album “Take It” really compliments this theme.
 

“And it’s been awhile since I could….  hold my head up high…. and it’s been awhile since i said I’m sorry…”

This is a great reflection back on everything I feel within the song and in the end, all I can say is I’m sorry for the things I’ve done and move past them.