travis' brain dump

So during a conversation with a friend and unloading my current pile of issues, we ended up discussing the recent reappearance of “It’s Been Awhile” to my blog site. The conversation shifted towards the meaning of the song to me and why it’s a song of preference for me when I get duped into singing karaoke or why when I’m together with my friends and we decide to sing, it’s ALWAYS in the playlist. Evidently, I seem to sing it with a lot of feeling behind it in those settings according to her observation. Well, I felt comfortable in doing so and at her suggestion I posted it up for some others to see as well. If you want to comment, you know how to.  

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One of the things I’ve loved about this song and makes it so beaufitul to me was it was originally intended by the artist to be general and to apply to almost anyone in any situation that you can look at it and say it’s been awhile… 

“It’s just kind of an introspective song about realizing that it’s been awhile since a lot of things. It’s been awhile since I could hold my head up high, it’s been awhile since I said I was sorry, it’s been awhile since I could say that I wasn’t addicted, it’s been awhile since I could say I love myself. It’s kind of an acknowledgement that it’s been awhile.” – Aaron Lewis, Staind

In other words this song could mean anything to anybody in almost any situation. It’s just been a while… for whatever. It’s part of the theme of realization and breaking the cycle… Many songs on the album “Break the Cycle” address issues that can go with that theme. Many of the songs on the album spoke to me when I first heard them right after I moved to Colorado. Staind really had something with this album and even Aaron’s reasons behind some of the songs were right along with what I had thought. One of the few times I’ve actually understood what and where an artist was coming from.

Some more of his comments on some other songs that I can relate to:

Suffer – “Wake up and look around you and see what the f*** is going on. The more you see, the more you do, the television’s feeding you with what you want to hear, anger and fear, because we suffer. One of the many cycles in life that just continue going around in cycles unless they’re broken.” – Aaron Lewis

Take It – “‘Take It’ is like the final song on the record. The chorus to ‘Take It’ is ‘everything that I can say to you won’t help you, everything you need is right in front of you, just take it’. It’s kind of like my last attempt to say that I’m no different than you. Everything is right there in front of you and you just have to take it.” – Aaron Lewis 

I first heard “It’s Been Awhile” on the radio not too long after I got here to Colorado and was the first song from this album I heard. I heard a few various other tracks along the way until it was released on May 22, 2001. I went out that morning and bought it. When I heard the rest of the music it really completed what I had already heard. I played this album over and over in my car almost constantly.

At this particular point, I was trying to change my life for the better. I was trying to leave behind the habits and the  mental state I was in when I was living in Seattle as well as some bad aspects of a relationship which was coinciding with the entire events that led up to my decision to start over. I had started realizing who I could be and who I was. I was on a downward spiral towards an end that if I continued to pursue would eventually end tragically. I realized I needed to change with the situation that presented itself and sieze the opportunity rather than subject myself to staying in the same rut I dug for myself. I came here for a new beginning, in essence to break my own cycle.  This is why I was so attached to this album and the song “It’s Been Awhile”. It’s lyrics spoke to me and I saw my life when I sang them. When I sing this song with my “brothers” and other friends – this is what I’m feeling with those words as they leave my lips.

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“And it’s been awhile since I could… Hold my head up high”

There are aspects of my life that I’m not proud of. Things I’ve said or done which I wish I could take back. One day, perhaps I will be able to look back and see it was *all* leading me to a better place.

“And it’s been awhile since I first saw you …” 

It seems part of the cycle. Things in many of my relationships are often grand in the beginning, but due to some people’s lack of ability to look past someones past and decisions made, their opinion of me changes and I’m usually left judged with no ability to defend myself. The innocence of a newly formed relationship is lost, but it’s what I do with it from there that makes the difference. Many of my friends know me differently now from when they first met me. While I came across as one way and still do in some aspects, it’s understanding that there is more to a person that just the surface view. If you care about that person regardless of what lies beneath, then you have found the most valuable thing on this planet.

“And it’s been awhile since I can stand on my own two feet again…”

I finally feel as though I’m making some way for me to better my life and the life of my daughter despite my breakdowns along the way.  I lived life as such a wreck for so long and I had to learn how to stabilize myself for her and in turn become a better daddy for her and man for the someone who I will be with the rest of my life. I still have struggles with this and I slip from time to time, but one day I will be the man I want to be all of the time… Most of the time just doesnt seem to cut it. One day soon I hope.

“And it’s been awhile since I could call you…”

Coming to terms with those I’ve hurt. Most of the time when I do something stupid or end up hurting someone, it’s usually someone I care about. Understand it’s not all about you, it’s about me. My defenses are down, I feel safe with you and in turn, I often find that the less appealing aspects of my left over self tend to be put on display out of some twisted self destructive stab at seeing if people can accept me both good and sometimes bad. I’m not sure how to put it into any other words. At the same time, sometimes I really don’t intend on doing or saying some of the things I do that hurt – sometimes I’m not even aware of it. Still, it makes it hard to face the ones I’ve hurt, which is something I’ve had to come to terms with more often than not lately.

“And everything I can’t remember… As f***ed up as it all may seem… The consequences that are rendered… I stretch myself beyond my means…”

The consequences of my past and mistakes I’ve made I have to look at every day. From a simple sound to a visual representation to someone doubting my sincerity… It’s all a reminder that I’ve done things that have messed up my life in some way or another, even things I don’t even remember doing or were unaware of at the time I said or did them. In order to try to compensate for those things, I often find myself stretching myself too thin when trying to please the ones closest to me and that is another reason those closest to me have seen aspects of me that I am not proud of. It’s a vicious cycle that I hope to one day break. I’m only glad that some people can be understanding about it and see past those things to who I really am and who I’m trying to become. I call those people, my family… 

“And it’s been awhile since I can say… that I wasn’t addicted…”

I lost myself for a period to a life, of all things, I was addicted to. Alcoholism before you’re even 21 is a fun crutch to start off your “adult” life with. But I guess that was the prettier side to things I was addicted to. I was never addicted to drugs per say, despite having a fondness for the green. Perhaps just more interestingly creative things that made me feel connected to my pain somehow and at the same time distracted me from it were more appealing to me. We’ll just leave it at that. 

“And it’s been awhile since I can say I love myself as well…”

A lot of my problems before were a lack of love and respect for myself. Things that happened over the course of my life etched away at my ability to feel worthy of anything. I didn’t have what it took to see the good in me until much later. I still struggle a lot with this today, but I’ve been able to see the good in me and love myself more lately. The crashes I take down though, few they may be, are the worst. One day I hope to conquer this, but I can say I love myself and can in turn love others now. 

“And it’s been awhile since I’ve gone and f***ed things up just like I always do…”

I’ve done well overall I think. I’ve tried to improve my life rather than let it slip, but I still tend to screw the things that matter most to me up more often than not. It’s a self-destructive attribute that I really need to put in check. However, the sad aspect to this is it tends to be where relationships are concerned. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s not – but regardless, until I resolve that issue – this reminds me of how I feel.

“And it’s been awhile but all that sh** seems to disappear when I’m with you… ”

This is for my friends/family – you all help my pains and my worries about the lesser appealing aspects of myself to go away when I’m with you. You help me to realize that I can love myself for who I am becoming and try not to worry about who I was. Regardless of the pain I’m in – a hug, a touch or encouraging words help to pull me from the holes I dig and throw myself into. I can’t express how much you mean to me. Without you, I’d be lost forever. 
 

“And everything I can’t remember … As f***ed up as it all may seem… The consequences that I’ve rendered… I’ve gone and f***ed things up again… again…”

Directly tying into “… it’s been a while since I’ve gone and f***ed things up again,” it’s a reminder that no matter what, I will eventually screw something up. I just depend on that fact that my friends/family will be there to look past my repeated mistakes and support me.  I hate backsliding (one step forward, two steps back) down the hill I’m trying to climb, but at least I know you’ve got my ropes. As I said, without you, I’d be lost forever.

“Why must I feel this way?  Just make this go away… Just one more peaceful day! “

I can’t do it sometimes and yes I feel like giving up on my struggle. I sometimes feel if I had just one more peaceful day to prepare for a foul up, I might be able to face it and make it through. One step at a time, not all at once. When I crash, I always ask myself ‘ why must I feel this way? ‘… In the last six years however, I have had more peaceful days than not and for that, I know I made the right decision in coming here.
 

“And it’s been awhile since I could look at myself straight…”

I’m still ashamed of the things I’ve done and the wrongs I can’t right. One day maybe, I will be able to look myself in the eye and feel that I’ve corrected all that I can possibly correct and what I can’t is out of my control and left up to others to be able to forgive.

“And it’s been awhile since I said I’m sorry… And it’s been a while since I’ve seen the way the candles light your face … And it’s been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste…”

A general gutted feeling for all the screw-ups that have destroyed my personal life over and over again. I’m not always the one at fault, but the few that I was responsible for it left me empty and feeling as though no matter how many apologies I gave, they never truly fixed anything. This is more connected to the general feeling around the end of a relationship that you cared about. That feeling of emptiness that seemed to be present more than not over the course of my life.

“And everything I can’t remember… As f***ed up as it all may seem… to me I know it’s me…  I can not blame this on my father… He did the best he could for me… ”

The mistakes I’ve made in my life, the problems I’ve created for myself are mine. They are no one elses. Those who raised me and my friends alike didn’t force me to make the decisions that created problems for me, I did, regardless of their influence. I still chose the life I lived when I left home and made my own decisions once I was out on my own. For me this goes along with the whole philosophy of believing that only you can save yourself in the end. I can have all the resources around me that I could ever ask for but if I don’t make the decision to help myself and accept help where I can get it, I will fail. PERIOD. I can’t blame anyone else but myself if I do. Another song on the album “Take It” really compliments this theme.
 

“And it’s been awhile since I could….  hold my head up high…. and it’s been awhile since i said I’m sorry…”

This is a great reflection back on everything I feel within the song and in the end, all I can say is I’m sorry for the things I’ve done and move past them.